


Seireitei University

by cywscross



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Crack, Don't copy to another site, Gen, M/M, Social Media, Texting, UraIchi Week 2019
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-05 07:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18824095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cywscross/pseuds/cywscross
Summary: Seireitei University - located on a remote island off the coast of Japan, this famous international institute of learning is home to some of the best and brightest minds in the world. Entrance exams are notoriously difficult, and first-day orientation alone has sent more than one student screaming from the campus. Those who make it in for the long haul are... unique.~~Or, a modern AU of the Bleach cast's college shenanigans, told in a series of text messages and emails.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For Day 7: Writer's Choice of UraIchi Week 2019.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I'mHarmlessISwear:** Fine fine I'll air out her bedroom and even give her a tour when she gets here. Don't blame me if you come back to the place burnt to the ground and both of us tragically dead.
> 
> **CrazyCatLady:** Make sure to put the cats outside first.
> 
> **I'mHarmlessISwear:** Unbelievable.

 

** {Heliotrope Dorm Chat} **

**FashionHedgehog:** ALRIGHT WHO CHANGED MY NAME.

**OrangeStrawberry:** Chill.

**OrangeStrawberry:** I think it suits you.

**FashionHedgehog:** I knew it.

**FashionHedgehog:** We're sharing a dorm, Kurosaki. Don't think I can't murder you and make it look like an accident.

**FashionHedgehog:** Now tell me how to change it back.

**OrangeStrawberry:** I will never understand how you can be the son of a doctor who works in one of the best hospitals in the world and still be such a tech disaster.

**FashionHedgehog:** Those two things have nothing to do with each other.

**FashionHedgehog:** And why is your name like that? It's more ridiculous than mine.

**OrangeStrawberry:** Idiot. Obviously, I didn't change it. Or yours.

**FashionHedgehog:** What

**PrincessFlower:** I did!

**PrincessFlower:** Good morning, Ichigo-kun, Uryuu-kun! Tatsuki-chan and I just arrived!

**QueenKarate:** What's up losers

**QueenKarate:** It's not even 830 yet, you can't be arguing this damn early already.

**PrincessFlower:** Does Uryuu-kun not like the names? I thought they were cute.

**PrincessFlower:** If you don't like them, I can definitely change them back! I just thought adding some personality would be nice.

**OrangeStrawberry:** Ignore the grump, Inoue. It's fine.

**FashionHedgehog:** Yes, of course it's fine, Inoue-san.

**PrincessFlower:** Oh good! I better ask Chad-kun too though. Is he here yet?

**PrincessFlower:** @Chadenza

**Chadenza:** I'm here.

**Chadenza:** Almost.

**Chadenza:** And I like the name.

**PrincessFlower:** I'm glad!

**PrincessFlower:** And our dorm looks wonderful! It's just us, right?

**OrangeStrawberry:** Plus Mizuiro and Keigo, they'll be here tomorrow, but otherwise yeah which means there's a bunch of extra empty rooms. There's something to be said about nepotism.

**FashionHedgehog:** You're shameless.

**QueenKarate:** Oh please. So we get the whole place to ourselves cuz your parents pulled a few strings. Get over it. I see no downside.

**FashionHedgehog:** You wouldn't.

**QueenKarate:**  (Face Throwing A Kiss )

**QueenKarate:** Bite me. A girl likes her space and privacy.

**QueenKarate:** Now get your asses down here and help us unpack. Orihime brought ALL her kitchenware.

**OrangeStrawberry:** What

**FashionHedgehog:** What

**QueenKarate:** We'll be eating like kings tonight!

 

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: OrangeStrawberry, FashionHedgehog, Chadenza} **

**OrangeStrawberry:**  (Face Screaming In Fear )

**OrangeStrawberry:** What's wrong with plain old macncheese or instant noodles?

**OrangeStrawberry:** That's what every overworked student subsists on.

**FashionHedgehog:** At least we get all four bathrooms to ourselves.

**Chadenza:** ...

**Chadenza:** It's our first day here. I'm sure we'll all want to explore some of the restaurants on the boardwalk.

**OrangeStrawberry:** Obviously Chad's the smartest one here.

**OrangeStrawberry:** I'll bring it up at lunch. Make sure we eat rly good food.

**FashionHedgehog:** I'll start looking up eateries. Good thinking, Sado-kun.

**Chadenza:**  (Thumbs Up Sign ≊ Thumbs Up)

 

 

* * *

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: CrazyCatLady, I'm HarmlessISwear, LongSuffering} **

**CrazyCatLady:** Kisuke

**CrazyCatLady:** Are you up yet?

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** No

**CrazyCatLady:** Good. Remember to air out the room down the hall. Suifeng should be getting in today.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Why can't you do it? She's your new pet.

**CrazyCatLady:** One, don't be a petty bitch. We talked about this.

**CrazyCatLady:** And two, because I'm across campus filling out paperwork. Tryouts are next week which means a bunch of freshmen will be signing up and thinking they're hot shit like they do every year, but it also means I get to crush some egos. Neither of which will happen if I don't submit all these forms that might I remind you YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME WITH MR. VICE-CAPTAIN.

**CrazyCatLady:** So the least you can do for being a lazy bastard is welcome Suifeng to the dorm because I'm pretty sure I won't be done til late afternoon at least.

**CrazyCatLady:** Kisuke?

**CrazyCatLady:** I swear to god if you've gone back to sleep or something, I will hang you above the quad by your ankles. Naked.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** I'm still here.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Unfortunately.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Well why can't Tessai-san do it then? That's practically his job.

**CrazyCatLady:** Tessai's not here yet, he went home to visit his siblings remember? He's not getting in until tomorrow.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Oh right.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Pity.

**CrazyCatLady:** KISUKE

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Fine fine I'll air out her bedroom and even give her a tour when she gets here. Don't blame me if you come back to the place burnt to the ground and both of us tragically dead.

**CrazyCatLady:** Make sure to put the cats outside first.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Unbelievable.

**CrazyCatLady:** Play nice. Maybe you'll even make a new friend.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** True. And maybe pigs will fly like unicorns.

 

 

* * *

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: AbaraiR, Rukipyon!} **

**AbaraiR:** Hey are you here yet?

**Rukipyon!:** Yup, just unpacking now. Nee-chan and I are both in the same dorm. Snowdrop. And our RA is really nice. Nee-chan and I even get to share a room!

**AbaraiR:** Cool. I'm in Camellia but

**Rukipyon!:** But?

**AbaraiR:** I'm pretty sure my new roommate is

**Rukipyon!:** IS???

**AbaraiR:** K u c h i k i b y a k u y a

**Rukipyon!:** WAT

**Rukipyon!:** How do you know

**Rukipyon!:** You don't sound like you met him yet

**AbaraiR:** I haven't but the shitload of trophies on his fucking shelf with his name on them might've been a bit of a giveaway.

**AbaraiR:** Am freakin out

**AbaraiR:** Send help

**Rukipyon!:**  (Four Leaf Clover )

**AbaraiR:** How helpful

**Rukipyon!:**  (Winking Face )

**Rukipyon!:** But seriously this is a good thing right? You've watched him compete for years and now you get to sleep next to him.

**AbaraiR:** .............That sounds super creepy when you phrase it like that.

**Rukipyon!:** #sorrynotsorry

**AbaraiR:** What if he finds me annoying tho? I'm pretty sure he had this room to himself before someone told him he has to share this year.

**AbaraiR:** Is annoying roommate grounds for banning me from tryouts??

**Rukipyon!:** Well obviously it shouldn't be.

**Rukipyon!:** And if he's half the guy he seems when he's being interviewed, that shouldn't matter at all. What matters is how hard you work and how good you are.

**Rukipyon!:** You'll be fine even if you annoy him, which let's be real, it'll happen sooner or later.

**AbaraiR:** Fuck you too.

**Rukipyon!:** You'll be FINE.

**Rukipyon!:** And if you're not, I'll beat him up for you.

**AbaraiR:** Rukia no why r u like this

**AbaraiR:** But thx

**Rukipyon!:** Idiot.

**AbaraiR:** Why is your name like that anyway?

**Rukipyon!:** Nee-chan changed it for me. The last bit is the sound Chappy makes, remember?

**AbaraiR:** I try not to.

**Rukipyon!:** Fuck you too.

**Rukipyon!:** I like it, I'm keeping it.

**AbaraiR:** You would.

**AbaraiR:** I should change mine too. To sth cool.

**Rukipyon!:** ByakuyaFanboy

**AbaraiR:** You're a terrible person.

**Rukipyon!:**  (Smiling Face With Halo )

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**From:** Unohana Retsu [unohana.retsu@staff.seireitei.ca]

**To:** Seireitei Hospital Medical Staff;

**Subject:** Pre-Semester Preparation

**Attached:**   SH_7402.pdf (129KB) SH_7497.pdf (157KB) SH_5212.pdf (169KB) SH_5410.pdf (111KB) SH_5498.pdf (160KB)

To whom it may concern,

Good morning, I hope everyone has had a relaxing summer break and are ready to return to their duties. For the new faces amongst us, welcome. I hope to see you fit in well with our team at this facility. Our students deserve the best services we can provide them with, and can only happen if we all work together to maintain the highest level of professional medical care.

That being said, it seems some of the paperwork necessary for the administration to process before the Seireitei Hospital can open its doors is missing. I'm sure this is a simple mistake - perhaps some of our doctors have misplaced the forms they were told to turn in by the beginning of the Fall Quarter.

Attached are extra copies of the documents required for the new term that were sent to your emails a month ago but have yet to be submitted.

It would be in everyone's best interests to submit these forms as soon as possible.

Once again, welcome back, and I look forward to seeing you all at the meeting on Monday. With all your completed paperwork.

Best regards,  
Dr. Unohana  
_Dean of Medicine_

 

 

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: IshidaR, KatagiriK, KurosakiM, ShibaI} **

**ShibaI:** Shit

**ShibaI:** Oi Ryuuken did you turn in SH_7497 yet?

**IshidaR:** Yes.

**IshidaR:** It was due two weeks ago.

**ShibaI:** Shit I forgot.

**ShibaI:** It wasn't due two weeks ago. Everyone got the reminder just now right? She said beginning of the quarter.

**IshidaR:** It was technically due two weeks ago. Unohana just isn't stupid enough to think she'll get all the necessary paperwork filed before school starts if she doesn't unofficially give an extra two-week extension every year.

**ShibaI:** Shit.

**ShibaI:** Why didn't Masaki remind meeeeeeeeeee?????

**IshidaR:** She likes to laugh at your pain.

**IshidaR:** It's the only reason she married you.

**ShibaI:** Fuck you asshole.

**ShibaI:** Damn I think I forgot 5212 and 5498 too.

**IshidaR:** How are you like this every single term?

**ShibaI:** Ugh don't start. Make yourself useful and help me finish these instead.

**IshidaR:** Let me think about that.

**IshidaR:** I've thought about it.

**IshidaR:** No.

**IshidaR:** You dug your grave, you can lie in it.

**IshidaR:** Just remember to text me your location when Unohana tracks you down. This might be the year she finally kills you so I need to be there to record your death for posterity.

**ShibaI:** YOU'RE ONE GRADE A BASTARD RYUUKEN

**IshidaR:**  (Wine Glass )

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **User IDs:**  
>  FashionHedgehog = Ishida Uryuu  
> OrangeStrawberry = Kurosaki Ichigo  
> PrincessFlower = Inoue Orihime  
> QueenKarate = Arisawa Tatsuki  
> Chadenza = Sado Yasutora  
> CrazyCatLady = Shihouin Yoruichi  
> I'mHarmlessISwear = Urahara Kisuke  
> AbaraiR = Abarai Renji  
> Rukipyon! = Kuchiki Rukia (although her last name is not Kuchiki at the moment)  
> ShibaI = Shiba Isshin  
> IshidaR = Ishida Ryuuken
> 
> Emails are scrollable in case you missed that :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Who in their right minds voted you president again?
> 
> **SmilingFox:** Please, nobody who attends this school could place any kind of claim on sanity.
> 
> **SmilingFox:** Now go away, I didn't give you the General Affairs Manager seat just for you to give the job back to me.
> 
> **TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Fuck you very much too, Kaichou.

 

** {Heliotrope Dorm Chat} **

**MrHandsome:**  WOOWWOOOWWW

**MrHandsome:**  SEIREITEI IS AWESOME

**OrangeStrawberry:**  Are you even through security yet?

**MrHandsome:**  No but Mizuiro set off like a dozen alarms because he has all the materials he needs to make five Molotovs in his bag, and now he's trying to explain to them that he just really likes chemistry. It's great. Prime time entertainment.

**OrangeStawberry:**  FFS

**QueenKarate:**  HAHAHAHAHA

**OrangeStrawberry:**  If you guys end up kicked out before you even get to the dorms, I'm gonna hold it over your heads for the rest of eternity.

**MrHandsome:**  Eh Mizuiro will be fine, he always is. He's already got most of the guards nodding along.

**FashionHedgehog:**  Future criminal records aside, why is your name like that?

**MrHandsome:**  It's a great name! I can't wait to get out there and meet a bunch of hot girls! I hear the parties on campus are wild.

**FashionHedgehog:**  ...

**FashionHedgehog:**  I refuse to share a dorm with this big of an idiot when he has such terrible naming sense.

**MrHandsome:**  HEY

**FashionHedgehog:**  Besides you're not allowed entry if you don't have a name from Inoue-san. It's a rule.

**MrHandsome:**  It is?

**MrHandsome:**  Well ok receiving a name from the beautiful Orihime would be an honour.

**QueenKarate:**  Ugh srsly

**HappyFeet:**  Oh they're letting him go

**HappyFeet:**  Mizuiro

**HappyFeet:**  Wait

**HappyFeet:**  Is that my new name?? Why is that my new name????

**PrincessFlower:**  Because you like to run! And you always get all of us to watch Happy Feet when we have a sleepover. It's got a double-meaning!

**HappyFeet:**  But it's so uncool!!!

**PrincessFlower:**  Oh

**QueenKarate:**  Excuse you.

**HappyFeet:**  I mean

**HappyFeet:**  It's a great name, I do love Happy Feet.

**PrincessFlower:**  Are you sure? I can come up with something else you might like more?

**HappyFeet:**  No no, on second thought this is totally fine. Just so long as you give Mizuiro a name too.

**PrincessFlower:**  Ok then! And of course! I already have.

**RobotOverlord:**  I approve. Thanks Orihime-san.

**PrincessFlower:**  No problem!

**HappyFeet:**  (Loudly Crying Face )

**QueenKarate:**  Shut up Keigo. Mizuiro, is your ass still free from life in prison?

**RobotOverlord:**  Of course~

**RobotOverlord:**  I'm too pretty for prison.

**OrangeStrawberry:**  You're both morons you mean.

**OrangeStrawberry:**  Get to the dorm already. We have orientation in an hour and I don't want to be late.

**HappyFeet:**  Sir yes sir!

**RobotOverlord:**  On our way~

 

 

* * *

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: CrazyCatLady, SmolAngryBee} **

**SmolAngryBee:**  Yoruichi-sama I do not want to sound ungrateful for being able to join you in the Pasque Dorm. On the contrary, I would want nothing more.

**SmolAngryBee:**  But I really, really, REALLY CANNOT STAND THIS URAHARA DEGENERATE WHY IS HE YOUR FRIEND.

**CrazyCatLady:** Lmao

**SmolAngryBee:** YORUICHI-SAMA

**CrazyCatLady:** I mean the building was still intact when I got back last night. I would count that as a win.

**SmolAngryBee:** He wouldn't let me in at first cuz he refused to believe I was me, just because my legal name is different on roster. When I finally did get inside, my matress was crawling with cats when he showed me to my room. He said they gathered as my welcoming committee but the CATNIP DIDNT GET INTO MY MATRESS ON ITS OWN. He gave me a tour and set off every trap under the floorboards. Why are there traps in the dormitories anyway? I almost got skewered SEVEN TIMES AND HE SAID IT WAS PART OF THE EXPERIENCE. AND tHEn he shoved me into the kitchens and your other friend was inside AND HE STARTED THROWING BUTCHER KNIVES AT ME FOR INVADING HIS TERRITORY??? I thought the kitchens were a communal area? And I only found out this morning that Urahara hacked my SoulMobi and now I CANT CHANGE MY NAME BACK FROM THIS RIDICULOUS MONIKER.

**CrazyCatLady:** I did wonder why it was like that.

**SmolAngryBee:** YORUICHI-SAMA

**CrazyCatLady:** Maa maa don't get so worked up, Suifeng. The Pasque Dorm is a bit of a personal funhouse for Kisuke, you could say. Tbh, all the traps are good training for the Gotei, and you want to get in, don't you?

**SmolAngryBee:** Yes of course!

**CrazyCatLady:** Then Kisuke's little tricks will be good practice. And you've not actually been harmed. I wouldn't allow it, and Kisuke knows better. He just likes to play. He'll settle down after a while.

**CrazyCatLady:** Besides, how long did it take you to start threatening him with your daggers?

**SmolAngryBee:** That

**SmolAngryBee:** Was how I got in the door.

**SmolAngryBee:** He started it.

**CrazyCatLady:** Lmao

**CrazyCatLady:** As for Tessai, the kitchens are sort of his domain at this point. He's a great cook, it's one of his majors, and he gets a little testy when other people try to barge in so it's best to just let him do his thing. Think of it this way - we all get decent meals with none of the work.

**SmolAngryBee:** Can you at least get Urahara to turn my name back?

**CrazyCatLady:** You don't like it?

**SmolAngryBee:** It's embarrassing!

**CrazyCatLady:** I think it's cute.

**SmolAngryBee:** I suppose it doesn't hurt. So long as he hasn't done anything else to my phone.

**CrazyCatLady:** He's not great with people, but he grows on you, I promise.

**SmolAngryBee:** LIKE A FUNGUS.

**CrazyCatLady:** You'll be fine. I wouldn't have pulled a few strings to make sure you were sorted to Pasque if I didn't think you could handle him. Besides, once school starts properly, he'll be too focused on his projects to tease you. Right now, he's just bored.

**CrazyCatLady:** Tell you what, after your orientation, how about you come visit me? You were already in bed by the time I got in yesterday so I didn't even get to see you, and I could do with an extra pair of hands around my office.

**SmolAngryBee:** Can I really??

**CrazyCatLady:** Yup. There's a few tasks even a new undergraduate can do, so if you want, you can come give me a hand, and we could even grab dinner together afterwards. How about it?

**SmolAngryBee:** Yes!!!

**SmolAngryBee:** My orientation is at 11, I should be done by 4. I'll come to your office then?

**CrazyCatLady:** Sounds good. See you then (Face Throwing A Kiss )

 

 

* * *

 

 

** {Student Council Chat} **

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Yo Kaichou

**SmilingFox:** School hasn't even started yet Kaien-kun, there can't possibly be any fires that need putting out yet.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** It's Seireitei.

**SmilingFox:** Point. But you also know my policy - if I didn't start the fire, it's not my problem. Take it up with the midget.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** How's your fiance gonna feel if you dump more work on her?

**SmilingFox:** I said the midget, not Rangiku.

**SmilingFox:** Alright what is it?

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** You know that summer flu that was going around?

**SmilingFox:** Medical cured it.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Most of it. Ppl who came down with it still need a day or two to recover, and some of those ppl were slated as orientation leaders. I even visited them to make sure they aren't faking it and they aren't. I've found backups for most of them but one of the groups at 11 today is still missing theirs.

**SmilingFox:** We each have minions for a reason.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** All my minions are included in the either-recovering-from-the-flu-or-already-leading-a-group pool. That's the whole point.

**SmilingFox:** You do it then.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** I already am, also at 11. Even I can't be in two places at once.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** And before you ask, Ise's already leading one at 1130, Hisagi's started fifteen minutes ago, Iba's got his hands full with the one at 12, and I don't know what the hell you have Kira doing but he's not even answering his phone. Anybody who can is already filling in. I've even pulled some ppl from PSC. There's just this last group.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** So can you do it?

**SmilingFox:** No.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Kaichou

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** There is literally no one else.

**SmilingFox:** Of course there is. Think outside the box.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Officially speaking, orientation leaders can't be someone from outside the Student Council or the PSC. They haven't been briefed or trained. Plus, if they're not in either organization, most returning students won't even be back on campus until tomorrow. Or if they are, they're captains and vice-captains all busy preparing for Gotei tryouts next week.

**SmilingFox:** This is all true. But officially speaking, I also don't care.

**SmilingFox:** You have far too many friends for not even one of them to be available. Blackmail them if you have to, have I taught you nothing?

**SmilingFox:** Now quit interrupting the last weekend of my vacation with such pointless problems.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Who in their right minds voted you president again?

**SmilingFox:** Please, nobody who attends this school could place any kind of claim on sanity.

**SmilingFox:** Now go away, I didn't give you the General Affairs Manager seat just for you to give the job back to me.

**TheOnlyNiceGuy:** Fuck you very much too, Kaichou.

**SmilingFox:**  (Victory Hand )

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**From:** Shiba Kaien [shiba.kaien@student.seireitei.ca]

**To:** Urahara Kisuke [urahara.kisuke@student.seireitei.ca]

**Subject:** Orientation Group (RESPOND ASAP)

Hey Urahara, just want to know if you're free today? I already checked with Yoruichi and she said she could spare you. There's been a bit of a scheduling conflict with the freshmen orientations, and bottom line, we're missing an orientation leader for a group at 11am TODAY. It's not really a job I like to delegate outside of the Student Council or the PSC but if you're up for it, I'd really appreciate if you could fill in for just this one group. It's basically a five-hour tour of campus with a free meal in the middle and some explanations about what's what, and you can give them the contact info of their original orientation leader if they have any further questions later on. I'll also send you an itinerary and a list of the stuff that the freshmen will need to know by the end of the day so it shouldn't be too difficult for you.

Of course, the Student Council will reimburse you for your time. We're willing to allot some extra funds to your team's budget, and the PSC's also promised to forget that pesky little fire hazard incident you were part of from last year. How about it?

Shiba Kaien  
_General Affairs Manager_  
_Seireitei Student Council_

 

 

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: CrazyCatLady, I'mHarmlessISwear, LongSuffering} **

**CrazyCatLady:** Kisuke, you should've gotten an email right about now. Say yes, or I'm hauling you in to actually do your portion of the work.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** I'm hurt by your assumption that I would not have said yes out of the kindness of my heart without your intervention.

**CrazyCatLady:** Pull another cat's tail.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** I want those new upgrades I submitted for my Benihime.

**CrazyCatLady:** Done.

 

 

 

 

**From:** Urahara Kisuke [urahara.kisuke@student.seireitei.ca]

**To:** Shiba Kaien [shiba.kaien@student.seireitei.ca]

**Subject: RE:** Orientation Group (RESPOND ASAP)

I would be happy to help, Shiba-san. If you could send me the necessary information, I will ensure my new group of Seireitei delinquents will know this campus back to front and sideways by the end of the day.

Incidentally, I don't suppose a Fēng Shāolíng is in this group?

Urahara Kisuke

 

 

 

**From:** Shiba Kaien [shiba.kaien@student.seireitei.ca]

**To:** Urahara Kisuke [urahara.kisuke@student.seireitei.ca]

**Subject: RE:** Orientation Group (RESPOND ASAP)

I regret this already.

Yeah, she's in your group. Why, are you friends?

Shiba Kaien  
_General Affairs Manager_  
_Seireitei Student Council_

 

 

 

**From:** Urahara Kisuke [urahara.kisuke@student.seireitei.ca]

**To:** Shiba Kaien [shiba.kaien@student.seireitei.ca]

**Subject: RE:** Orientation Group (RESPOND ASAP)

The best of friends!

Urahara Kisuke

 

 

 

**From:** Shiba Kaien [shiba.kaien@student.seireitei.ca]

**To:** Urahara Kisuke [urahara.kisuke@student.seireitei.ca]

**Subject: RE:** Orientation Group (RESPOND ASAP)

**Attached:** Orientation_0211.pdf (745KB) Itinerary_0211.pdf (224KB) Roster_0211.pdf (113KB)

Right. I... really don't want to know. I've attached the itinerary/info pack and the attendance roster. You should be waiting in the eastern courtyard by 10:50am at the latest.

One more thing, my cousin, Kurosaki Ichigo - he's starting Seireitei this year and he'll be in your group too. Take care of him, alright? I wanted to lead his orientation myself, but his mom threatened to use me for target practice if I didn't let him stretch his wings or something. It's not like I smother him! I just worry! But Masaki-baa-san has a temper so it's better not to cross her. Anyway, just keep an eye out for him. He's pretty independent, and he knows how to take care of himself, but he's still my cousin. If anything happens on your watch, no one will ever find your body.

Aside from that, don't blow anything up. Don't kill anyone. Try not to traumatize anybody too badly. This is a welcoming reception, not license to torture. Remember, your team doesn't get paid if you fuck this up.

Otherwise, have fun!

Shiba Kaien  
_General Affairs Manager_  
_Seireitei Student Council_

 

 

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: CrazyCatLady, I'mHarmlessISwear, LongSuffering} **

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Shiba-san has issues. Also, his threats need work.

**CrazyCatLady:** You have issues, Kisuke, you have no room to judge.

**CrazyCatLady:** Also he's a Shiba. They're terrible at threatening people. No imagination for it.

**CrazyCatLady:** Now don't you have somewhere to be?

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Yes, yes, I'm heading out now. I'm sure Suifeng-san will be overjoyed by my company on our way over.

**CrazyCatLady:** I take zero responsibility if she snaps and kills you.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:**  Noted.

 

 

* * *

 

 

** {Pasque Dorm Chat} **

**SmolAngryBee:** QUIT FOLLOWING ME I CAN SEE YOU

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** I told you, I'm going the same way as you. You're the one who refused to let me walk with you.

**SmolAngryBee:** TAKE ANOTHER ROUTE

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** I can't. This is the shortest route, and I have to be there in ten minutes to greet my cute little ducklings for the day. Not all of them will be as Smol and Angry as you, Suifeng-san.

**SmolAngryBee:** What

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Oh didn't I mention earlier? Your original orientation leader couldn't make it today so I've been asked to substitute!

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** Surprise!

 

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: CrazyCatLady, SmolAngryBee} **

**SmolAngryBee:** YORUICHI-SAMA IM GOING TO MURDER HIM

 

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: CrazyCatLady, I'mHarmlessISwear, LongSuffering} **

**CrazyCatLady:** You are such a dick.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:**  (Smiling Face With Halo )

 

 

* * *

 

 

#  **Seireitei Daily**

#####  **Thursday, September 4, 2092**

* * *

**BUILDING ON FIRE, STUDENTS GONE SMURF**

_Hinamori Momo_

As many students must have noticed, late Wednesday afternoon brought with it an explosion that could be felt halfway across campus. Sources have confirmed that a demonstration gone wrong during an orientation group tour was responsible for not only set fire to part of the Marui Chemistry Building but also somehow turned almost every student in the lab at the time blue from head to toe.

Fortunately, Public Safety Committee Chair Hitsugaya Toushirou himself appeared promptly and was able to single-handedly douse the fire before it could spread to other buildings. Parts of the roof were damaged but evacuation proceeded smoothly and successfully, and nobody was harmed in the incident.

"I'm sure it was an accident," said General Affairs Manager Shiba Kaien, on scene shortly after the fire was put out. "And the Student Council will of course look into the matter alongside the PSC, but the important thing is no one was hurt, and of course, we guarantee the building will be as good as new by the end of next week at the latest." (Continued on Page 4)

 

 

 

 

**From:** Shiba Kaien [shiba.kaien@student.seireitei.ca]

**To:** Urahara Kisuke [urahara.kisuke@student.seireitei.ca]

**Subject:** (no subject)

You are dead to me.

Shiba Kaien  
_General Affairs Manager_  
_Seireitei Student Council_

 

 

 

 

** {Private Group Chat: CrazyCatLady, I'mHarmlessISwear, LongSuffering} **

**CrazyCatLady:** Kisuke.

**I'mHarmlessISwear:** I swear it was an accident. Besides, what orientation is complete without an explosion to round it out?

**CrazyCatLady:** You can kiss your upgrades goodbye if we don't get those extra funds.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **User IDs:**  
>  MrHandsome --> HappyFeet = Asano Keigo  
> OrangeStrawberry = Kurosaki Ichigo  
> QueenKarate = Arisawa Tatsuki  
> FashionHedgehog = Ishida Uryuu  
> PrincessFlower = Inoue Orihime  
> RobotOverlord = Kojima Mizuiro  
> SmolAngryBee = Suì-Fēng  
> CrazyCatLady = Shihouin Yoruichi  
> TheOnlyNiceGuy = Shiba Kaien  
> SmilingFox = Ichimaru Gin  
> I'mHarmlessISwear = Urahara Kisuke


End file.
